The Lone Ranger

It was the most boring movie I've ever had to sit through. It even beats the-barely-funny Ted.

Visually, it's like The Pirates Of Caribbean once again. Gore Verbinski is lazy. And I so don't want to admit it but Johnny Depp has gotten lazy: similar parts, similar expressions, similar gestures, argh. And as I see box-office wise the combination of Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny doesn't work if it's not Tim Burton. (Although despite word of mouth people still go check it out, disbelieving that Depp can star in anything so awful).

40 minutes into the movie I glanced at my phone to check the time. That was the moment when I felt that it was time to end this shit. I should have walked out of the theatre but I don't do that. I clench my teeth, I stare at other people's faces trying to gauge their reactions, I check twitter and other social networks, I send angry text messages to a friend who recommended this movie (and feel satisfied when they text me back saying that they're really bored at the moment, too).

I spent the remaining 100 minutes trying to understand what makes this movie so terrible and dull. What I came up with is that the situation the main heroes constantly find themselves in doesn't change. The bad guys slips away, they don't get their revenge, they don't snatch the girl and her kid and they just keep coming up with new plans. It would make a great series, but a movie? Not so much.

He still doesn't get the girl in the end, by the way.
Shit luck.

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

It was a very (un)fortunate turn of events that I saw this movie. Seriously. My friend just got this fancy 3D TV set with glasses and all, and it was the only movie they had in 3D, and I just had to check it out. Yeah.

Lie be told, I've always wanted to see this film. I really like it when classic childhood stories are cinematically retold with abundance of blood and literal head-stomping. This is a dream come true, I'm telling ya.


It's all very action-movie like, appropriate "adventure" music, panning shots and things flying out of the TV. Typical plot, definite ending, very cool "tag" scene in the end, has a nice Hollywood touch, cliches, and I think (hope) Brothers Grimm have long ago stopped turning over in their graves; and people who first made up this story have stopped caring altogether even long before the rise of German Romanticism in early 19th century.

Spoilers or sort-of, duh:
1. The red-headed witch dies, and of course Jeremy Renner is still lonely, bad-ass and availably hot as hell.
2. There's even something like Shrek and Fiona story, and the troll resembles Harry Potter trolls TOO much.
3. Am I the only one or the way Hansel looks at Gretel really has sometimes an incestuous feel to it?
4. Only women can be witches --> witch-craft is bad -->  women become super ugly when they practice this crazy magic stuff. But did you really have to make all witches cripples and invalids of different kinds? I get the logic, but it's not really fair: we aim at constructing an equal-for-all society and that's not really helpful.
5. Really fucking cruel.
6. Historically inaccurate.